Jesus and Me
"Hey Lou!" said Jesus.
"What are you doing here?"
"Well," Jesus said "I got hungry and I knew my friend Lou would always have food, so I came."
"But Jesus, you can't just be coming into a Jedi's apartment and wanting food. I could have been meditating or training."
We both laughed really hard.
"Good one Lou, good one!"
"Hahaha! Come on in Jesus, of course I have food!"
"Yeah. You forget, I'm the all-knowing lord. You can't put anything past me. Oh yeah, stop doing it."
"Stop doing what Jesus?" I asked.
He widened his eyes at me.
"Oh," I remembered "Oh yeah, sure. Anyway, sit down, sit down. I'll serve the food."
"Thanks. What are we having?" Jesus asked.
"Oh as if you don't know, Mr. All-Knowing-Lord."
"I don't. Tell me."
"But don't you--"
"Just name the father damned food!"
"Fine, fine! We're having Ronto Steaks, Nexu Poppers, and Diet Dr. Palpetine."
"Lou... Thou shall not ReekPooDoo the lord."
"Okay, Dr. Palpetine with 50% extra fat. You happy now?"
"Uh huh."
"And what's with this 'ReekPooDoo' stuff?"
"I'm cutting back," Jesus nodded
"Oh. Well wait here, let me get the food. How much do you want?"
"Just a bit, thanks."
"Just a bit?"
"Yeah."
"Jesus!"
"Fine, okay. Just give me half of whatever portion you're having."
"That's better buddy! Be right back."
After a few minutes I came back out with with a plate of 5 Ronto Steaks and a large bowl of Nexu Poppers.
"Here you go buddy! Eat up."
"Huh, yeah, this is alot of food..."
"Well that's the amount you asked for."
"I guess it is. Well thanks bro!"
About half an hour later, Jesus had eaten 17 Ronto Steaks, the rest of the pod-load of Nexu Poppers and a few gallons of Dr. Palpetine.
"Ah! That was great Lou. You are a good cook. Bring me a few more steaks..."
"No Jesus. I'm cutting you off."
"What did you say?"
"Damn it Jesus, you've had enough food!"
"I'll tell you when I've had enough food! You, you've had enough food you fat ass!"
I gasped.
"I am not fat! I just have some holiday weight!"
"Holiday weight what holiday weight? You weigh 300 pounds for my sake!"
"Jesus! I thought of all people you would be the nicest! Especially to a Jedi..."
"A Jedi? You call being a Jedi wearing silk robes and living in your mom's old apartment being a Jedi?"
"Hey! Silk is the only material I can breath in, and don't you talk about my mom- May the Force be with her in Heaven."
"Heaven? Your mom is NOT in Heaven! The Sith run in fear of your mom. Even Satan is afraid of your mom!"
Just then Satan phased his head through the ceiling.
"Did someone say my name?" said Satan
"No Satan! Go to Hell! Meet you there in ten minutes."
"Sure thing! Hey," Satan looked at me "You look familiar."
"He's Theresa's son" said Jesus
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Satan and his head disappeared
"See Lou. Your mom is a bi-"
"Jesus!"
"What? She is a big meany!"
"Listen Jesus. Just get out. Get out of my home, get out of my religion, get out of my life!"
"Oh he-yell no you just did not! I didn't want to do it, but you forced me to! I'm eternally damnating you! You and your apartment and your Republic and your Jedi Order! And your little dog too!"
"But I don't have a dog."
"Then I will create a dog for you, then damnate it!"
"No please not my little dog!" I sobbed "Oh please Jesus don't hurt my little dog!"
"It is too late for that. By the end of the Clone War, you and everything good in the universe will be destroyed, and it is all your fault!"
In a flash of light Jesus was gone
"Oh no!" I said "I can't let the Clone Wars end! But how do I keep the war from ending and save everything from being destroyed? I know! I'll give secret Jedi and Republic information to the Separatists! That'll keep the war brewing for a while longer until Jesus comes to his senses. Because of him I have to save the Jedi Order and the Republic. He is so stupid. You'd think the son of God would know what to do for his people!"