Dark Jedi
| I fell so far, I fell so fast, when did this occur? So long, so hard, my rapid descent has left me wondering, when, oh, when did this happen? It seems just yesterday my life was filled with simple joy; laughter and smiles, all faces glowing. What happened? How, why, and when? Spinning through abyss, my mind awhirl, I can but ask "when"? Pain and suffering, tears and screams. How? Am I to blame? I didn't even know I fell till someone called me dark. And then realization hit me as hard as though a Wookiee fell on me. I stood there, breath coming hard, lightsaber loose in hand. No, not me, never. I swore to protect and uphold the right, the just, the light... If that means doing all within my power to protect a life, to save a person, a living being.... Am I so wrong? Am I so dark? And yet I feared him right, I feared I had fallen, life didn't seem quite the same it used to. And from this fear spawned anger. How dare he suggest I had fallen? How dare he suggest I'd turn my back? And thus came hatred. He's jealous of me, he's the one who's turned his back. In this moment of hatred, I knew. He wanted me to think myself dark, so as to bring himself above me, a powergame was all it was. I would end it now, I would make him shut up. I plunged my saber deep, fast and sly it snuck into his body, claiming his life with a gasp, a look of despair, of sadness. His scream echoed around me, around my mind, forever stuck within the chambers, deep and twisting. His body fell, smoke slightly curling from charred skin. I dropped to my knees, my saber falling out of hand, rolling away, I had killed in hate, I had killed in anger. He was right, I knew, it hit me. He was right. But how? When? Why did I fall? I don't know, I can't tell. It happened, is all I know. Tears of my own slipped down my cheek, tears I had caused, undoubtedly now. And now I suffer, with a hatred of myself, of what I did. I killed my best friend, my friend, who told me, warned me, tried to help me. I killed him. I know this now, I know I am to blame for all the wrong, for all the suffering. I caused it, and for that I hate myself. Digging myself deeper into the hole I have already dug. I know this, faintly, but don't quite see it. The Jedi always told me emotions were wrong, to love, to hate, to feel. My first experience with such things overwhelms me, and I don't know what to do. I fall into the trap, into the hole, I have fallen, I know. And for this I hate myself. Death, I wish I were dead, and yet I know I can't die. Not yet, not ever. For if I die, all chances of redemption are lost, lost forever. I shall have all power, all power to stay alive for all eternity. Maybe if I live forever I can learn to like myself again. What have I become but an agent of dark? A Sith! But WHEN? One day of light, one day of dark, did it happen overnight? Whilst I slept? Or while I blinked? How can I be light, be good, if I don't know how or when I slipped? But does it matter anymore? I pick up my friend's body, cradling his head to my chest, wondering... I did this, I am dark, I have killed all I know, all my friends, all my loves. What is there left? What left but to give in to what I already feel, to what I know I've gone to? Dropping the body, I stand, calling my saber to myself I leave; I am but a figure of dark, a robe whispering at my heels, my eyes flashing into yellow as I stride off, no more tears for me. No more life, no more caring. I am already dead, I died long ago, though when, I do not know, nor shall I ever. |